I am so mad I could cry. I've been fighting hopelessness all week long... exams had to be written, peace had to made with the fact that I'd chosen this career turn (it still makes me retch to call it a 'path') on my own volition, the sinking realization that nothing I do here is going to matter to me or anyone else. I want to get out, very fast, of this ridiculous web of meaningless relationships - the networked corporate universe. I wish it were possible to get out before getting to know it. But that would mean being defeated before going to battle, and however much I hate confrontation, if it is between me and me, it has got to be faced.

Today, while listening to Dad talk about work, I realized just how idiotic most people are at the highest levels of a company. How self-important, how utterly incapable of looking beyond their little cocoons of neatly folded ideas. How ignorant of the talent and ideas floating all around them. How pitifully inept at leading. Of recognizing sense when they are faced with it. And how it can take the fight out of the most passionate of people. I hated to see that. Hated it. And I vowed to myself, never, ever to be one of those people. Never to have to justify the truths I live by and recognize to anyone. I don't care what people say. Don't care if they say all jobs are like this... you're going into a world where you need to get along, adjust, listed to a lot of utter balderdash before you can get in a word edgewise, and then have people pretend they didn't hear you. I am not ambitious. Not that way. I don't want to be around people like that. If it means giving up the things that seem to mean the world to me now... and a complete change of scene, maybe I should begin to consider alternatives. I don't want a career or a life that revolves around other people for most part. Perhaps I shouldn't make up my mind with another semester to go in this... college. And before I've seen the white-collared monster first-hand. Perhaps things will not be much different elsewhere. Right now it just... feels like an olympus of assumptions has come crashing down. If only I had one dream. If only I lived in the world of the mind.