Clarification

Nice as it is to know that friends and readers are concerned enough to tell me why I musn't feel blue about being confused/afraid/anxious et al, I must say this because I'm getting a feeling that perhaps they don't realize it - I know most of those things. For instance, even as I write things like I envy people who 'never' get ruffled, I know that that epithet is simply embodying a personality trait that exists to various extents in people that I admire, and would like to hone in myself. One of the lovely things about writing without inhibition, without feeling that someone out there will read it and feel that you're a pathetic mess who knows zilch about the common sense thought remedies to such periods of mental turmoil, without the thought at the back of your mind that these are things that have been said a zillion times over and knowing exactly what replies it will elicit because you've already gone over them before, reasoned with yourself calmly before, given yourself the advice other people give to you before, is that your fears, hopes, dreams are all out there in the open. Untangled. Clear. Even if the solutions are not. Even though you know ten million other people might be facing the same problem, that isn't a solution for you! You knew that when the thought flashed into your own mind, you know it when someone else tell it to you. You know every 'Don't you think...' that you are confronted with by heart. You know the 'Try to live in the present..' speech all too well because that's who you are most of the time, and that's what you tell yourself when you feel the time isn't right for mulling over the imponderables. But sometimes, dear readers, the time just is. Sometimes, even though you know the lines that can sidestep the issue that is bothering you, you don't want to. When the so-called 'unnecessary apprehensions' nudge you gently and asked to be thought about a little, given their due, understood as much as they can be at the moment, and for once not be roughly pushed aside for the more mundane thoughts..well.. I feel like giving in. It is, for most part, a conscious decision. Perhaps one that I like making, because it gives my mind the power to imagine scenarios, analyse the past, present and the future and learn. Thought experiments, if you will. It makes me that much more aware of my own situation. Thought experiments must not be met with advice, they need to receive new thoughts in reply. Prudence isn't always being practical. It isn't about how many other people are feeling what you are feeling. It is about what YOU are feeling, and how YOU deal with it. For one, avoiding thinking about disturbing or worrying things every time they crop up might be a way of life, and I congratulate them for knowing to live a simply, uncomplicated life. For me, that tack would translate to running away from them, because the need to be aware of who I am is an indelible part of who I am. If I feel the need to think hard about one of the abstractions of life, many of which look like I'm desperately unhappy about something and will stay so till I let go of it, then struggling to get rid of it is foolishness. Because it doesn't hurt me. Why would I be so animous to those poor thoughts and feelings that only do my bidding, don't impose themselves upon me beyond a level I can handle, and are actually a rather interesting diversion from the rut?