Afraid

Despite my cocksure declarations of how it will be good to move on, explore new areas, seek adventure and that elusive thing called a calling, it looks like at heart I'm just a little scaredy-cat. Afraid of leaving behind an easy life, lots of freedom and free time, people I have known and loved for a place whichI can't help being apprehensive about. But well, I guess the trick to put some effort into thinking positive, because it sure as hell doesn't comes easy to me. I am as of now a bonafide student of FMS, Delhi. And all I could think of while I was there was how I didn't feel like I was in an institution of learning. Maybe it's supposed to feel governmental/corporate.. I don't know. Don't want to untangle my thoughts because some sense of loyalty got instilled by that act of signing the forms in that little office in the heart of Delhi University.

I envy the people who handle change with poise and equanimity. Who seem to know who they are and what they want to do like the back of their hands. Who don't go from being excited to sad to afraid all in the span of around a minute at regular intervals. Who don't face the dilemma of wondering whether to love or hate the feeling of leaving here and going there. Today I asked someone I thought was like that how he did it, and not surprisingly, he dispelled my illusions by saying that he was confused too, about many things. But even as I realized everyone has mental panic areas, I haven't found anybody who can understand the emotional turmoil I go through for quite run-of-the-mill things. It's ridiculous and totally unnecessary but it needs an effort of will to control it, and even when I do, there is a sense of not-rightness that registers itself as a lump in the throat or a knot in the stomach and refuses to go. And there is only so much I can reason with myself and convince myself that the less some things are confronted the better. I'm not at all sure about that. I know that no good can come of discussing inevitables. But at least it prepares me. Makes me feel like I know it well enough to deal with it maturely andplan for the future. Understanding the full ramifications of an event before it actually arrives might cause you to jump to conclusions, not see things the way they are when they actually hit, end up having it colour your present, but at least those very ramifications will have begun already. And whatever turbulence it might bring with it is evened out, gradually, over a period of time. I am afraid of sudden emotion. And of having to deal with an unforeseen unhappiness. I'm not sure I can be very grown-up about it. This paranoia is a part of that gradual process of weaning away, I suppose. I only wish it was a little less conscious.