Flatline

Some people want all the lives they live to be perfect - I evidently prefer to have it otherwise. That my personal life feels right means that the rest of it is tepid. 'The rest of it' is actually a bit of a paradox, because that part of it involves all those people and things that are of little consequence to me, but isn't the fact that they matter less the reason for less excitement on those fronts? I'm not sure where all this is coming from. Maybe its just that I'm being a rather asocial person these days, or that I don't have enough work on my hands, or that I've become desensitized to anything happening in my immediate milieu. I don't seem to care that someone I spent most of last year with is hardly around, or that the people around me are willing to pull off any manner of deception to disguise their pathetically stunted feeling of community, or that I, as a very astute observer pointed out with no pretense of sensitivity, am never happy with my present. After all, there is a 'shining', or at the very least, interesting future to look forward to.

I suppose the fact that I started writing a paper for a competition out of sheer boredom after hours of watching TV shows on my computer speaks for itself. There are more images of my terribly sultry room in my head than of the things I do or the people I speak to in college. Is this how second year is going to be? It feels good to learn something new once in a while in classes, but the euphoria doesn't last long, simply because the learning is not enough to make me feel like it was significant. How does one become enthusiastic about student body activities and group work when all one can see in one's mind is a shrunk calendar of year, which is too small to hold any one memento of this life?

I can see I'm back to questioning mode again. The upside is that there its been fun on the home front. Its a little ironic that when I feel like I can talk about the things happening in my life to my parents, there isn't much to talk about. So some amount of reporting happens, depending on how much of my daily routine my brain actually registers. I feel like a little girl every time I go home.. get pampered to no end and get to air my opinions all over the place. And get to be adored by my dog. Man.. I just crave love, don't I? :) The summer internship company has floated a live project.. suddenly I'm hot property, but given that I'm out of their placement process for the year, I gain precious little from it, so I'm actually having to say no to teams that want me. That's a first. Prefer to work as little in teams this year as possible. Really hope no prospective recruiters are reading this.

A long-lost cousin established contact today. Felt nice to to be talking to her.. but it was strange because she's married, and she's only two years older than me, and she's my cousin! Made me feel far removed and rather suspicious. Sort of like she'd report my wayward ways to her parents who'd tell my parents and tell them to get me married off soon before I get completely out of hand. My other cousin who I had a lot of fun with in Bombay is getting married too. The levels of information asymmetry in the extended family has risen to ridiculous levels.. rather hilarious, but I should be more careful about who I tell what next time and how much of a supposed official announcement I reveal. These things seem to matter to people.

Thinking about Missouri again started as a joke and a random mail to them asking if they still had my letters of recommendation, but the idea seems to have seated itself firmly in my mind. The thought that I might actually need it to bail myself out of a potentially volatile situation at the end of the year makes it harder to dismiss it. When the lawyer cousin of Bombay decided to get engaged to someone he'd only just been introduced to, I decided that all things I believe in come to nought. If he's decided to do it and is happy with his decision, I might too. Of course, he's 26, but then he's a guy. And he doesn't seem to have too many regrets about a six-year long relationship he was in since he was a boy in law school. No regrets, just a rational deduction of why it didn't work out. I am thrilled I've got there four years earlier than him. Just thrilled.

This post reads like a horoscope doesn't it? It could mean a hundred different things, with the way I've avoided any names or anything else concrete. Bet that about a month from now I wouldn't know what's being mulled over here. Bet I would want to so I could relive the turmoil. Bet I'd be glad if I couldn't. Sowhatness has came.