Is it possible that one half of one's life is seeped in negativity, while the other is serene as the sea? Is there likely to be a spill-over effect? I was reading old posts from a time of prolific thoughts... when impressions, even the mildest of them, were cherished. I'm glad I now have the wisdom to let things flow by and that is probably a good plan when most of the impressions that one is bombarded with each day are in stark variance to one's value framework. This framework is something that I have been talking about for quite a while, usually in the context of why I am utterly nonchalant about most aspects of my life outside home at the moment. I would've used the word 'desensitised' but it just doesn't seem factually correct when I know that feelings pierce me as much as they used to - only I don't care enough to hold on to them or deal with them. They concern people and places that mean nothing to me in the long run. Life is full of stop-gaps and I have made my peace with that - but I don't think other people have. I don't think the people who care about me understand that for me, the joy that being true to my heart and mind gives me is far greater than conforming. That it might seem like I make do with the present because I look to a future that will give me something that is missing today. I want to ask them - is judging people on the basis of what they feel fair at all? Is it not my mind that must deal with any demons it is faced with or for all I know, conjures up? Is it out of resentment that they are not a force strong enough to counter those demons that they condemn my dreamsy ways?
I know not everyone is like that. I know there are those who understand without my having to convince them, who act as soundboards when they know and I know that there are no solutions, but that clarity helps the process of gearing oneself for growth. There are enough things in the world to feel unhappy about - if being cynical takes some unhappiness out of situations that do not deserve that emotion anyway, then so be it.
So my cousin (the one who's about to get engaged) and I were talking about how to get out of this disillusionment trap. I decided that I would marry someone with family money (i.e. not someone of the I-banker ilk) because our forefathers who had owned entire valleys in that heartbreakinlgy beautiful Kerala place very generously decided to give it all away to strangers. So well, we bitched for a while about the depressing lack of business acumen in our priestly community. And then we began to talk about his engagement. I know for a fact that for many years to come, I shall be ribbing him about this - 'She's a smart, sensible girl... and I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm actually happy!'. Why am I not surprised. :D
Noo is leaving for Columbia this Monday. Everyone's leaving for foreign seas. Pfft. I want to get out of the emerging markets too! No, on second thought, I switch to Latin America. There I could be an emotional fool and disrespect timelines and word limits as much as I wanted to, and they'd welcome me with open arms. Not for me this country that is fast becoming one of those monochronic, alpha-male worshipping conference rooms!
Oh, and before I forget, the music talk still works. So whatever else changes in the zodiac's scheme of things, it feels good to know that I've still got it! :P
No comments:
Post a Comment