Another chapter in my life I will remember in all sweetness and lucidity for a long time to come drew to a close six days ago. Breaking up might be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I think it has got to be done. I am counting on that conviction to give me the strength to get to a place where I can think of moving on. The hardest thing about the last four days has been the acute awareness that there is no shoulder to rest my head on and cry. And my consciousness pines for that comfort. But I tell myself that breaking out of a habit that hurts you is hard, and takes a lot of discipline. I must train myself to start relying on myself for comfort again. I must re-learn a lot of things that I unlearned over the past year. To feel good when he’s not around. To feel the world around me as something concrete, feel and appreciate the good things in life consciously, know that they are part of my journey to get where I want to be. Relish the opportunity to do things. Let actions take precedence over feelings. Bring back the purity of emotion that I used to feel when I saw a sunrise made hazy by mist, or an afterglow of soft brightness that a drizzle brings. I don’t want to cry because I have to teach myself to think of someone I love as just a friend. It doesn't feel like I made a mistake, then, when I shared wonderful times with him, or now, when I've realized that people and hopes change, and decided to act on that realization.
My mind has been nudging and poking me gently for a while now; it wants to be released. Wants to learn to be free again. It says if I continue to stick my tongue out at it an be miserable, it will get angry and then there will be hell to pay. It's time to let go... leaving one last, long, lingering look behind.
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