All grown up

I once thought of a line that I was rather proud of- 'Life rarely happens until after it's happened.' Meaning that most of life comes into perspective when looked at in retrospect. Sometimes when I think of things that I've done a certain way, I think I was aware of the fact that I would hark back to it someday, so I stored an opinion or a thought about everything that I thought would matter to me at some remote point in the future. I'm sure I'll look back later at now and smile at what all the fuss was about. Then again, maybe not, because I will remember more than my journal tells me. I hope I wonder then why it was so hard to put rationality before emotions. I hope that by then, one of them would have established a foothold in my consciousness or at least that there would be an understanding between the two.

It is very unsettling to discover that the carefully painted pictures of you and your life at some point when you were at your creative best, aren't really that real. The pictures in which I am a strong, emotionally independent person who lives for no one but herself, for whose happiness she only looks inwards, who reacts only to the things that she wants to... are fading away. The clarity that I used to revel in when I was not so much younger is no longer there. I owe it to myself to become that person again. Then the people and things around me were separate from me. Everyone says it is not a good thing to be detached, not healthy. I think there is nothing healthier than to just... be. Not let one thing, idea or person become so important to you that it can hurt you. Because nothing NOTHING is worth being hurt.

I need change. A clean break. Someone told me once, when the pique about the stagnancy and routine was higher than usual,"Things don't keep changing, neither do people. You can't have things always happening in your life... sometimes it's good to know how to just go with the flow." The moment I realize there IS a flow I stop in my tracks, look furtively this way and that, and then go in any direction but forward. I am frightened I might be this cavalier with the dreams I hold so close to my heart. Who's to say I won't give up the ideals I have today day after tomorrow because it suits my convenience? It's not like I haven't done it before. It didn't used to be this hard to reach myself before. All I needed to do was look at those dreams, so lucid I didn't even have to work to bring them to life. Look at my life from outside of me. That would put things in perspective. I don't do that anymore. Really want to be in the place I was before.