Wonder what makes for a life of satisfaction. I know more people than I'd like to know who are more than contented with their lot, who know that they are luckier than most and who make the best of every opportunity they get to enrich their lives. And those words sound so trite to me I don't even hear them anymore. Even when I'm saying them. There. I've already forgotten what I've said. In contrast, had I started on toxic bad relationships, how it's easy to take yourself for granted, how it is hard to estimate your self-worth realistically and do something about what you don't like... there is only so much negativity a brain the size of mine can take (And going by proportional mathematics, it must be pretty small). It is beginning to take it's toll. Anger at someone or something is one thing, but general, undirected resentment toward the world in general... even I don't know how to deal with that. And where it comes from and what sort of a person I am to grudge other people their contentment, even if only in my mind. For the first time in my life today I felt something that I thought was so far below me that I would have to use a magnifying glass to spot it. Envy. I think the only one left now is gluttony. All else I seem to have become the paragon of. And well, what do u know I ate twice as much as I normally do tonight. Not for any fault of my own, who was to know the canteen guy served such humongous amounts. Either way, I'm on my way there.
Two people I know have more than enough regret to last them a lifetime, going by my measure. I don't think it is even real to them. I don't know how they live it up. Someone please, please tell me how to.
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