As good as it gets

Someone recently asked, why I am not heard expressing my joy at being alive more. I'm very aware of that particular foible of mine right now. Why is it that a few people's acknowledging that I am alive means so much to me? Why should it? I probably won't even be seeing them after a year, some others, maybe not ever. They probably will at best be remebered ten years later as a part of four years of life for which there is not much to show. Why obssess over a loneliness compounded by these people's insenstivity then? Why hassle oneself over these depressing intricacies of life when life itself as I know it now is not something that I feel particularly excited to live? Because that's all they ever will be. Parts. They can never and will never get anywhere close to becoming the whole. God knows there are enough people who matter. And who will continue to no matter what I do to shake them off. What kind of an opportunistic, selfish, self-involved creature am I? How does one be selfish towards one person and generous towards another? I'm getting confused and I'm not liking planning how to handle the ridiculous problems of my life right now. If I am this bent on feeling unhappy, why can't I at least do myself the favour of finding something worth it's while being unhappy about? WHY when I know that this is probably about as good as it will get? Why am I still here if this is as good as it gets? When is that earth-shattering decision to take control of my life and discard those parts of life that I don't want to carry with me when I leave here? Forever? There's too much to worry about, too much to feel responsible for. I DON'T want to do myself the injustice of drowning in self-pity or anger over inconsequentialities. I thought I'd grown you know? Thought I'd learnt to at least channelise passionate emotions into channels that deserved it. I clearly am not much farther than I started from. And if I don't do something about it soon, I am going to spend the next many years regretting not forming an action plan when one was desperately needed. Here's hoping for oodles of will power to not do the things I don't absolutely love doing. And to act on the conviction that there is no earthly point in kidding myself into being with the people I don't absolutely love being with.