Small mercies

Okay, that wasn't good enough. Writing is supposed to resolve things. At least, it used to. Nothing is resolved. It's always a dilemma- when I write to people, chat with them, write to them- whether to keep going, when to let things go. But hey, looks like some people have got me so used to letting things go that I'm beginning to do it with myself. Myself. Who has never, EVER had a problem when ANYthing I have ever said or done. At least, nothing very disastrous. So I figured, ok, so since theonly person who will be listening to me rambling is me, what the hell, I'm just going to go ahead and feel like I'm not wasting anybody's precious time by doing it.

Today my mom asked me to bring 'One flew over the cuckoo's nest' for her to watch'. I ws surprised, because she doesn't usually like movies in which bad things happen at the end. It will always be one of the most poignant movies I have ever seen. I don't know why movies and books that have nothing to do with the life I live or may live fascinate me more than the ones that deal with everyday emotions. Maybe it is precisely this removal from everyday mundaneness that is charming, maybe I don't want to see the thing I am bound to see in life on screen, because I don't want to experience the disappointment when real life isn't as beautiful as movies, ever again. I go for works on insanity, alienation from society, borderline personality disorders :). Not amorous or marital or health or old-age problems. Although very good movies and books based on old characters do turn out to be quite poignant, probably because that is the only thing I don't associate with myself right now. Or feel myself most far away from. And the movie made me feel awful because the character was underplayed. And I didn't feel good that he's half-crazy, he helps all those lunatics for no earthly reason, and he gets killed. Because I'm young enough and selfish enough to feel that I ought to get back for what I do. I don't mind if I'm punished for doing wrong. But there needs to be some tangible return. Good if I deserve it. Bad if I deserve it. It didn't help that he was a baddish man outside, I always had a thing for the bad-but-good-heart kind. And they just, kill him off man. I don't feel like doing things for people who don't appreciate what I do for them. Not right now at any rate. That feeling of satisfaction that you've dont the right thing? Well, it ain't there! Why would he take the trouble and get killed for it? Anyway, this was kinda my take on it though I toned it down a bit for mom coz she tends to get worried that I am becoming more asocial by the year. And she said that the only reason she felt peaceful after the movie was because the indian, the big man who hears and sees everything without saying a word because he chooses not to indulge in the banalities of the hell they are in? He escapes. And I rolled my eyes as best I could on phone and said "But amma! The guy dies!"

As good as it gets' is another movie that ought to make me feel good, but doesnt till the very end, and even that is rather a lukewarm feelgoodness because it's drawn from those two getting together and mush. It's not nice how his kindness isn't recognized for a long time. My god, what is wrong with me? That movie is all about feelgoodness :S. Yeah ok, so that sorta triggered the previous post. I'm just surprised it hasn't made me feel better and I'm trying to justify it by proving it isn't really as feelgood as it looks. Ah, the intricacies of the human mind. But it has I think. At least it's made me know that for the next some time, even if I go out of my way to make someone else's life better, I will still, at the end of the day, be the most important thing to me. And no amount of non-acknowledgement or insensitvity is going to change that. Sometimes to make some things in life seem better, one ends up chipping off, one from other things. And you are afraid that if you continue to chip off from the same things, soon there will be nothing left. I still have to find a way to manage it all and still feel good. But hey, the good news is, I have a lot of time. This probably is as good as it gets (God it's hard to say that but I ought to act my age, oughtn't I? ;)) And it's not so bad. People make movies like One flew. Thank God for small mercies.