I have only the reddest red shirt to wear to class today. I hope I am not not spotted by any of the anti-valentine's day brigade. It's nice to be talking again... nicer to see it in black and white, than to tell it to someone and know that it won't be remembered after that conversation. I used to write as much or more before (before the barren haven happened), just was less visible. Maybe I'm overdoing it, maybe it's just a phase and the minute I start feeling less individual and more Zzzz again, it'll stop. Maybe the reason why I spend so much time over it is because I don't consolidate my thoughts. If I started doing that, I'd probably never get down to writing. Besides, the writing consolidates them for me. Have virtually nothing to show for the past few days but somehow don't regret it much. There IS a lil twinge of SHIT! whats wrong with you girl? But its more affectionate than anything else. I toyed with the idea of writing everyday for 20 minutes and no more... that at least then I'd write undisputable sense. Then decided that because I untangle as I write, there is latency. If I did it the 20 minutes way, there would be no untangling, and that is the most exciting part. I would only be putting down the already untangled thoughts. Maybe I shouldn't depend on the writing to untangle them... or maybe I should get so used to it that the untangling gets effortless and so does not lead to any latency. :D

Its strange to see things on people's blogs that you wrote about once upon a time and it comes back to you... and you realize how similar people basically are. You knew that they all want to get influenced by something, because then they'll have a sense of belonging, that most people just want to be loved and cherished, but they even think the exact same things at different points in their lives! It's like there's a set of ideas that will enter every specimen of Homo Sapiens, plus or minus a few. Most times you flatter yourself thinking that you couldn't possibly the same as everyone else. Like a dear friend said, I guess I am just as different as one penguin in from another.

Proactivity versus reactivity. Was talking about the state of affairs in college to someone who has as many opinions as I do, and he said that most people here were guided by the wrong things. The people and things they think are cool effects a near complete nullification of any kind of thought. Individually I am sure we are each unique and capable of a lot of productive ideas, but together we are just a bunch of dodos making inane comments, laughing at each other and everyone else, making believe that we are God's gift to the world. If there is anything worth taking back from the occasional rendezvous with the group dynamic, then I'm missing it by a long shot. There is no magic, just banal talk. People my age everywhere in teh cuontry seem to be like that. Maybe that's the motivation behind the whole getting in touch with who I am outside this group thing. I think I like the person I am outside it much more than the person I am inside it.

Thoughts of the day:

- It's not fair if all of life is learning. There should be some period which you can sit back and only ejoy all the fruit of that learning, and feel totally good about yourself. Maybe that's what they call nirvana. :D

- I wonder how my mom survived the first few years with my dad. They are SO different. She's this sunny, open person who doesn't like to keep one thought to herself when there is family around. When she's low she has a good cry and gets over it. My dad was hardly the sensitive metrosexual. She says he was so dry- all ideas, little emotion. Now he's mellowed a lot. Muccccchhh easier to talk to. She still remembers how exasperated she used to get. I woulda RUN!!! :o Why why oh why couldn't I have got a few more of my mom's genes and a few less of my dad's?! :'(

- Every time I think about it it amazes me- my dad never seems to have regrets. In my entire 20 years, I haven't seen him depressed. Maybe he is for a while, but he sure gets over it quickly. How does he do it?

- Relationships open your mind up to all the hundred jillion possible hangups you might possibly have.