When will I learn to rein in my ridiculous, ever-present urge to make things as bloody hard for myself as I possibly can. Sometimes one does things that one thinks don't fit into the mould of sensible or foolish; you think a decision was taken on impulse because that was the way things were meant to be. Then in a moment of clarity it hits you. OF course! Foolish it is. I wish there was world that gave more more options than two.
I thought I should suppress my need to be unique, my fear of being 'ordinary' in favour of a balanced outlook that stresses on contentment and flexibility. I don't know why it's such a scary thought- that of being 'exactly' the same as others. I thought it was important to weed out the idiosyncrasies and temperementality and be happy with what most people would be happy with. Who was I kidding?
Yesterday I had a dream that I was sitting alone on a bench at a railway station. A man comes up to me and says, "You look bored. May I sit here and give you company?"
"Sure", I said, but what I was really thinking was "How can he assume I need company and waltz over here to provide me with it?" And then we have a broken, forced conversation and then the train comes and we board it and go our separate ways. Why didn't I wask him who he was. Why didn't I get to know him. I wish he'd taken me with him. I told the first person I met that I'd had a nightmare. Not so much a nightmare as a deep sense of regret. And loss. I shouldn't push away people who might understand the way I feel. They are few and far between.
Impulsive, arbitrary, silly ole' me.
2 comments:
"I should suppress my need to be unique, my fear of being 'ordinary'" --> If you're thinking what I'm thinking, plz dont even think abt it. You are unique and wonderful in a very special sense.
1) Recall that particular moment when you sing 'zombie' and each and every person has just one sentence on his/her lips - "this gal's awesome"
2) Whom do ppl think of when they need a wonderful writer, speaker, orator?
3) One of the most non-interfering and decent ppl I've ever seen.
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See!! at moments we get sad, at moments we feel lonely but then time does change. Try to recall all those instances wen u felt urself at the top of this world. Try to see yourself from the eyes of ppl for whom you are unique and you'll be a more happy person. Critics will always exist. You'll find unfriendly situations at every stage in this life. But then, there are happy situations too.
Not that m trying to make you happy. But sometimes, its shocking to see that ppl for whom others actually have respect, dont think or feel that way. May be you're looking towards the other side. Just turn your face and you'll be a more happy person in life. :)
Hope, you dont mind me commenting that way.. But I had to. Never realized that some wonderful ppl could get that emotional. All the best for your life. Try to be more happy and you'll reach the pinnacles of success. This, " 'not feeling urself to be unique' when you actually are " waala attitude shudnt be an obstacle ever.
No, I haven't lost respect for myself, in fact, I might be something of an egomaniac. I just look at it as part of my journey towards self-discovery. And catharsis. Some people use pragmatism as a defence mechanism, I guess mine is cynicism. Thanks for the concern. I will try and be more positive. :)
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